Losing A Friend

One of my close friends has a younger brother whom we all grew up with. I mean we weren't extremely close to him, but close enough that we hung out with him once in a while. We went to school with him and obviously were really close to his sister. Well, her brother was diagnosed with brain cancer and had about 5 or 6 surgeries to remove the tumor. It always came back. Now, the cancer has spread through his entire brain. And so now he's pretty much on his last days of life right now. And it's really affecting me in a way that I never imagined.

Maybe it's because I keep thinking about "What if it were my brother..." and I keep thinking about what I would do. To be honest, I don't think I could make it without my brother. For 24 years, my brother has been my best friend....and for some of my life, he was my ONLY friend. Growing up, my brother was all I had. Making friends was always harder for me than it was for him, so I didn't really have too many...too many that lasted long anyway. I spent most of my time with him and his friends. If anything were to happen to him....my life would pretty much be over too. I don't think I could function without him.

But anyway, I keep thinking about how torn apart I would be without my brother and I imagine that is what life is going to be like for my friend from here on out. I don't know what this is going to do to her family, but I'm pretty sure it will tear them all apart. I don't mean apart from each other....I just mean apart in general. I think they are a lot more frail and fragile than they let people believe. And if I were to guess....I am thinking they'll keep to themselves afterward.

I went to see him today and I held his hand for awhile. I didn't know what else to do. He's not looking so good...and I'm not sure if he remembers me. His speech was very affected by the tumor...or the pain that I know he's in...or the exhaustion...or all of it. But anyway, I can't stop thinking about it. I had a HUGE pile of stuff to do at work tonight and this was the only thing I could focus on. I'm not sure why I'm having trouble dealing with it, but whatever it is, this dying thing just messes me up whenever I have to deal wtih losing someone I know no matter how close we were.

Anyway, I know there are not too many people I can talk about this with....except for the three people who follow my blog occassionally. So I thought I'd try and sort out my thoughts with a blog post while the feeling is still strong.

Another Day Another Dollar

Well, another day subbing for me. I went in at 11...I'm not sure why I've been subbing only a half a day lately...the full day sub jobs must all be taken already. I'm not sure why this particular teacher left all of a sudden and it seemed like the kids had no idea either. This time I was subbing for a high school social studies teacher. It was pretty easy...the AP Euro kids were just supposed to work on an essay (which none of them did) and the kids in American Cultures had a test. So pretty much I got to just hang out and read and make sure no one cheated. Then, randomly, around 1:30....the teacher came back! Now, why would you do that? Why would you cheat the sub out of work...even if it is a half a day. He had to know that I was probably just starting out as a teacher and would not only need the money, but also the classroom experience!! How lame!!

But at least I was able to get some litter and food for my bunny, call about this potential Spanish position and start on my story for NaNoWriMo. I have three diary entries written....but I'm not sure if the diary thing is going to work....it seems like it'd be pretty boring.....but I guess the point is just to write it and make it more interesting later....I'm thinking it might be interesting to start a new blog and make the posts the diary entries for my story. That way people can keep up with it and tell me what they think of it as I go. It might be fun......

So anyway...that's really it so far for me. I'll have to update tomorrow with word of how the phone call went to the school district. The lady in charge of the world language department at the PDE is going to call the school tomorrow and "sell me"...so to speak. She is going to request that they meet me and is going to put in a good word. After that we'll see how it goes. I'm hoping that by the end of the month I know for sure whether or not they want me....cuz they want to start the Spanish program in January! I'll need time to write up lessons...especially since I'd be doing the whole curriculum by myself...from scratch!!!

A new beginning

So, I haven't done this blogging thing since Xanga and Live Journal was big...a million years ago. But I thought I'd try again. I'm not really going to be all shaken up if no one reads it, this is really just a personal thing I am doing for my benefit. But if you are reading it feel free to let me know you're here.

Just a bit about me: I am 23 and just graduated college and returned home to live with my parents for a year. I am secretly saving up for a house that I am hoping the township does not tear down before I have enough money for it. I graduated with a degree in teaching and Spanish. I also am a fencer. I've been fencing for about five years and I recently took up archery and dart throwing as well (I have no idea why I love playing darts).

I have an amazing boyfriend who at the current moment is studying computer science at the place I graduated from. We have been dating for eight months (as of yesterday). He is very sweet and caring. I have dated several guys in my life, but this is the first time I feel honestly and passionately loved. Right now we are working through a long distance thing for the first time since we started dating, but we are doing our best to make it through. 

Something a bit more personal: I have an anxiety disorder. So I find some things hard to deal with. For example, I do not deal with stress well and I am often very critical of my actions. I also tend to have vivid and very disturbing nightmares. Writing helps me clear my head of things when I am frustrated and helps me deal with feelings that are otherwise too difficult to deal with. This is the first September in three years that I am dealing with this on my own without my counselor. I want to do this alone, I don't want to find another counselor. So I am doing this blog thing to track my progress and sort through my thoughts until I make it to Christmas.

Anyway, last bit about me: My favorite flowers are roses. So in honor of my favorite flower and the new beginning I am hoping to make for myself, I have titled my blog: Black Rose. Black Roses do not always mean death, instead they symbolize a new beginning of things...a major change or upheaval. Or it can mean death...the death of old habits and the beginning of a new era. Black roses inspire confidence, hope and joy. So this is the end...the end of my fears and negative feelings....and the beginning of a new me.

So what does this year have in store for me? I am on a list of substitute teachers for a few different school districts in my area and I will be running an after school reading program as well. At night, I am a receptionist at a local nursing home and I will be acting in "It's a Wonderful Life" that my adult drama group and I will put on in November. I hope to start dancing one night a week, but I haven't quite figured out where I am going to squeeze that in and I also fence with a local fencing school.

After that....we'll see where the year takes me....