Losing A Friend

One of my close friends has a younger brother whom we all grew up with. I mean we weren't extremely close to him, but close enough that we hung out with him once in a while. We went to school with him and obviously were really close to his sister. Well, her brother was diagnosed with brain cancer and had about 5 or 6 surgeries to remove the tumor. It always came back. Now, the cancer has spread through his entire brain. And so now he's pretty much on his last days of life right now. And it's really affecting me in a way that I never imagined.

Maybe it's because I keep thinking about "What if it were my brother..." and I keep thinking about what I would do. To be honest, I don't think I could make it without my brother. For 24 years, my brother has been my best friend....and for some of my life, he was my ONLY friend. Growing up, my brother was all I had. Making friends was always harder for me than it was for him, so I didn't really have too many...too many that lasted long anyway. I spent most of my time with him and his friends. If anything were to happen to him....my life would pretty much be over too. I don't think I could function without him.

But anyway, I keep thinking about how torn apart I would be without my brother and I imagine that is what life is going to be like for my friend from here on out. I don't know what this is going to do to her family, but I'm pretty sure it will tear them all apart. I don't mean apart from each other....I just mean apart in general. I think they are a lot more frail and fragile than they let people believe. And if I were to guess....I am thinking they'll keep to themselves afterward.

I went to see him today and I held his hand for awhile. I didn't know what else to do. He's not looking so good...and I'm not sure if he remembers me. His speech was very affected by the tumor...or the pain that I know he's in...or the exhaustion...or all of it. But anyway, I can't stop thinking about it. I had a HUGE pile of stuff to do at work tonight and this was the only thing I could focus on. I'm not sure why I'm having trouble dealing with it, but whatever it is, this dying thing just messes me up whenever I have to deal wtih losing someone I know no matter how close we were.

Anyway, I know there are not too many people I can talk about this with....except for the three people who follow my blog occassionally. So I thought I'd try and sort out my thoughts with a blog post while the feeling is still strong.